Broken
by hippie-girl 31
Summary: Really angsty scene between Allan, Will and Djaq. On the ship, after Allan's return but before Acre. Will/Allan/Djaq friendship.
1. Prologue

_A/N:This is something I wrote a while ago but have been afraid to post because it's so angsty. But I love the relationship between Allan/Will/Djaq and I wanted to explore the way it ended. Warning: If you are looking for some happy closure, this fic will probably not provide it. I hope that my intentions come through. It is really difficult to do their relationship justice. Review if you like._

They eyed one another awkwardly, almost guiltily, for a moment before shifting their gazes elsewhere. Each one wanting to speak but having no clue which topics would be safe and which were off-limits for them now. Gone was the ease with with the three of them had always interacted.

The group within the group. A family within a family. They had made life bearable for each other when the weight of it all had threatened to crush them. They were one another's support system and escape from the harsh realities. Through homesickness, death of a loved one, capture, and boredom, they leaned on each other and lifted each other's spirits.

A life in the forest, spent hiding from soldiers and dodging death at every turn, had not been what any of them had envisioned for their lives. But, somehow, the three of them could not imagine any life but this one. Even the bonds of birth and blood did not seem able to rival the ties they had formed with each other through circumstance and choice.

They had no idea how it had happened or when it had started. They did not even know or care what _it_ was. All they knew was that it _was_. It made sense that placing your life in another person's hands was bound to draw you together, but that was true for every member of the gang. The same with living in such close proximity. They _all_ shared a closeness. All six of them. But there was something special that had developed between the three youngest members of the gang. Everyone saw it and no one completely understood it. But soon it had become as accepted as English rain.

Allan, Will, and Djaq were inseparable. They could make each other laugh with just a wink or the raising of an eyebrow. They shared inside jokes that infuriated Much, who hated being left out of anything and, more often than not assumed the jokes were about him. They laughed so hard at times that John would have to shout at them to be quiet, which would only result in fits of stifled laughter. One of them rarely had to voice an entire thought before one or both of the other two would understand and nod or add something. Their give and take was almost effortless. They just clicked. That was all there was to it.

It made absolutely no sense to anyone, including the three of them. But they really didn't care. They appeared, on the surface, to be the most unlikely of allies. They were as different from one another as any three people could be. Their backgrounds, beliefs, and characters bore no resemblances. Perhaps that was why they got on so well. They complimented each other perfectly. Each seemed to supply something that the others needed to fill in the gaps that nature had left to each of them. They built up one another's strengths and canceled out the weaknesses. Their seemed to be complete balance between the three. Like they were three parts of a whole. Which, in turn, made up one half of the gang. So the closer they became, the smoother things went for everyone. They all had their roles and everyone knew his or her part.

It had been something truly magical. Until it had all come crashing down around them. Then it became something tragic. It was over and they were all left exposed, sore, and angry. And now as they stood silently facing each other, on the deck of a ship, for the first time since being reunited in Nettlestone, the three friends wondered if their wounds were the sort that could be healed. Or if, as they all secretly feared, the spell had been broken and there could be no going back.


	2. Chapter 1Will

_Will_

He felt so incredibly stupid. He knew that he should say something..._anything _to ease the tension that had built up between them. But the longer they stood there, silent, the less he could think of to say. Where could he begin? How could he even attempt to explain the sense of loss he felt?

Here he stood, with the two people who knew him better than anyone else ever could...the two people he cared for most, and all he could feel was alone. No. It was worse than that. He actually _wanted _to be alone. _Alone_ seemed preferable by far to being trapped in this circle that was now nothing more than the crumbling remnants of what had once been so grand. So he stared dumbly at the deck and tried to appear absorbed in the patterns of its worn wooden planks.

Silence was generally not an unwelcome way to pass the time for Will Scarlett. He appreciated its virtues in a way that few others could. He always tried to take the time to fully reason out his thoughts before determining whether to voice them, and so was known for his long stretches of quiet introspection. But this silence was nothing if not empty. And his thoughts were jagged and partially formed at best.

He wouldn't even dare to chance more than a fleeting look in Djaq's direction because he could not stand the disappointment he saw on her face. He wanted to make this better for her but _how_? Part of him felt as if he and Djaq should be acting as a unified front now. They were, after all, together. But it seemed wrong, somehow, to reach for her hand or place an arm around her shoulders with Allan so near. It almost felt like a betrayal.

Will found it wholly unexpected that he should be the one to feel guilty. It was Allan's actions that had brought them to this point. It was Allan's greed and discontentment. Allan was the one who had walked away, not only from the gang, but from _them_. From Will and Djaq.

But Will knew that it was not entirely so. Allan had not voluntarily walked out on them...he had been forced to go. True, he had made his own bed, but leaving had not been his choice. He would have stayed with them if he would have been given that option.

Will knew that Allan was the kind of man who would have found it easy to sell their secrets with one hand and clap them on the back affectionately with the other. All the while feeling no conflict, no pangs of conscience. Even if he had ended up feeling _slightly_ bad about selling out Robin or putting their missions at risk, he would have convinced himself that it was totally separate from the special friendship that the three of them shared. But how _could_ it be?

That was probably what had made it so difficult for Will when the treachery was discovered. Because, in truth, he knew that Allan loved them and would have given his life for him, Djaq, or both, without a moment's hesitation. They were brothers. Even Djaq. When the three of them were together there were no gender lines. Just three mates, having more fun than people living the kind of life they lived should have been allowed.

It was all so close to perfect, this unnamed thing between the three, that Will knew it would not take much for him to forgive Allan and welcome him back. That was his fear. That he would want to forgive Allan so badly that he would forget everything he knew about right and wrong...about loyalty and goodness. That thought had scared the hell out of him. Once before he had allowed Allan's charm to convince him to turn away from everything he held dear and he had still not quite forgiven himself for it. So he had known, when Allan's deeds had come to light, that he would have to distance himself from the man as much as possible. He simply did not trust himself not to cave in the moment Allan offered one of his famous ever ready explanations.

So he had shut him out as completely as he could and would not even entertain the notion that he could be redeemed. To accept that Allan could be saved would have been to accept that Will _wanted_ to save him. And that would mean that Will was responsible for not throwing out a lifeline sooner. That he was to blame for not noticing the changes in his best friend and acting to correct things before they got out of control.

Why _hadn't_ he noticed? Djaq had seen it. So why hadn't _he_? He could not blame it all on his grief after the death of his dad, either. It had been going on far longer than that, he knew. Was he so driven by his need to rescue the poor and right every wrong that he was blinded to what was surely right under his nose? That his best friend needed him and he wasn't there.

But that didn't account for all the guilt he felt, did it? He knew that a lot of it was tied into Djaq and his feelings for her. And _her_ feelings for _him_! He had still not even completely wrapped his mind around that one. That she was in love with him too! How long had _that_ been the case? And he felt like he should try to explain it to Allan. That he should let him know that the newness that was _Will and Djaq_ in no way eclipsed the cornerstone that had always been _Allan and Will and Djaq_. That as much as Will was elated to find himself hand in hand with the woman he had loved for so long, it did not diminish Will's happiness at having Allan back with them. And he knew that the same was true for Djaq.

Will was sure that what they all really wanted was for things to return to what they had once been between the three of them. But he was very close to resigning himself to the fact that it would never be. He was no longer angry with his friend. Allan had come back. He had renounced the Sheriff and Gisborne and all that they stood for. He had turned his back on an easier life in order to come to their aid when they most needed him. But forgiveness now almost seemed the easy part.

It was the rebuilding that was just beyond their reach. Maybe too many things had happened and too much time had passed. Maybe too many hopes had been buried to even attempt to resurrect them now. Maybe the bond that he and Djaq had recently formed, the one that had served to make all of his dreams seem possible, had also served to sever whatever remained of the alliance the threesome had once shared. Or maybe they would never know the reason.

So he stood there and waited for one of them to speak and say the words that he dreaded hearing. That this tongue-tied discomfort, this shifting of eyes and shuffling of feet was all that remained to them. The spell had been broken and there was no going back.


	3. Chapter 2Allan

_Allan_

He knew he should say something. He should start by saying again how sorry he was. And soon. Before one or both of them gave up and walked away. Probably hand in hand, of course. _Damn! That wasn't fair._ He shouldn't think things like that. He had no right to be jealous. No right at all. And he wasn't, really. Only, this wasn't the homecoming he had envisioned.

He had expected hurt feelings and angry words. He knew there would have to be apologies made and explanations given. To everyone. But especially to Will and Djaq. He had betrayed them the most. He knew that it would probably be a long road back to where he had left them. That they might even be unwilling to hear him out at first.

Well, maybe not Djaq. He had always thought that maybe she, of all of them, would give him a chance. But he figured that it might be harder to get through to Will. He could be so damned stubborn sometimes. But Allan had saved his life when he was about to be hanged. Okay, so he didn't exactly put himself out there, but he did allow that fool to keep his key once he'd discovered that it had been pinched. That should count for something, right? And the two of them had clasped hands that other afternoon in Nottingham when the Sheriff went missing and they assumed that they might all be goners. That was a beginning if Allan ever saw one.

It was that hope that had actually given him the courage to walk away from Gisborne. Allan wished he could tell himself that his friends being in danger had been enough of a motivating factor for him. But, the truth was, it had still taken quite a bit of working things out in his head before he'd been ready to take that final step back to them. He had spent several hours reassuring himself that there would be a place for him when he returned. That even if they were slow to forgive him, his two best friends would have kept his spot warm for him, and it would only be a matter of time before he could slip back in fully.

What he actually found was the last last thing he would have ever expected. They had closed ranks in his absence. Not just the gang...but _them_. Will and Djaq. Since when had there even been a Will and Djaq except to Allan? Allan was the only one who thought of them that way. As one thing. _Will and Djaq_. Like _home_ or _happiness_. They were _Will and Djaq _to him. To everyone else, they had always been referred to either as individuals: they were Will or Djaq or Allan, just like Much or Robin or John, or it was always _Allan, Will and Djaq_...the three of them as one. The three of them. Not two.

But here they were. _Will and Djaq_...and Allan. Trying so hard to clear the air between them. Each one hoping one of the others knew what to say to start the ball rolling. He knew that they had questions for him. He had been prepared for that. They would want to know why, of course. That was a big one. And he was sure that there would be many other things that he would have to explain to them about the choices he'd made. And he had made up his mind to be as honest as he knew how to be. He really wanted a clean slate with them. He'd decided that he was willing to pour it all out for them if only they would listen. They could judge him and shout at him and scold him all they wanted. They might even punch him a few times. He would take it. He deserved it.

But neither of them seemed to know where to begin or what to ask him. He, in fact, now had a few questions of his own. Like, for starters, what the hell was going on between the two of them? Yeah. That was one that could surely use some clearing up. How long had they been this way? Had they jumped into each other's arms the moment he had been kicked out of the gang? No wait. He wasn't suppose to refer to being kicked out by Robin. He had practiced this and he was suppose to say he left. That's right. _I knew the consequences when I agreed to take money from Gisborne._ _I have only myself to blame for being kicked out...er..leaving._ Personal responsibility was important right now. He knew that _Will and Djaq_ would be expecting him to try to blame someone else for his problems. That's what he'd always done. But not this time.

He didn't know quite what to feel about the two of them together. He knew that Will had a thing for her. Hell, _everybody_ knew that. He sometimes thought that even Djaq knew. But it almost hadn't mattered before. Everyone just accepted Will's love for her like one of those things you get so used to that you don't even notice anymore. Like Much's watery stew or John's snoring.

It was something that Allan knew Will would never do anything about...mostly _because_ he loved her. Yeah. Try to figure that one out. It was like, to Will, Djaq was happy with the way things were. She was happy being one of the lads, even though she wasn't really. I mean they all accepted her as an equal member of the gang and all that, but she was the only one who really thought of herself as _not_ a woman. The rest of them knew damn well she was a woman and they actually respected her more for it. Although, come to think of it, she was kinda more man than any of them sometimes. _Oh man. Now my head's starting to hurt._ Enough of that.

_So where was I?_ Oh yeah. Will wanted Djaq to be happy, and he figured that her knowing he fancied her was not the best way to make that happen. So Everyone knew he would never tell her. Simple as that. So it didn't matter. Not even to Will. He just seemed to accept it as a fact of life the way that everyone else did. He was fine with it. So it had never really bothered Allan. Why should it? It was not like he wanted her for himself or anything. Really.

Alright, sure, she was special. He'll give her that. And he liked her. There wasn't another woman out there who could compare with her. But Allan had always just figured that was because he'd never really gotten to know another woman that way before. And Djaq was the kind of woman who only opened up a little at a time. So, if you were lucky enough to spend enough time with her, you could really get a glimpse of what she was made of. Allan had never stuck around long enough to get that close to a girl. But then, it was easy with Djaq 'cause she was fun. You actually wanted to chat her up and listen to her stories and see her smile light up her whole face when she talked about her homeland and...erm...but still, that did not mean he liked her the same way that Will did.

In fact, he felt nearly the same way about Will that he felt about Djaq. Except the stuff about the smile lighting up his face. It would just be weird to think about a bloke that way. But the rest was certainly true. Will was the kind of mate you knew you could count on. He was true and solid. But not in a stodgy, stuffy kind of way. He was a bit too moral, yeah, that was true. But Allan supposed there were worse things to be. Plus, he was always up for a good time. Well, maybe not exactly the same kind of good time that Allan was always up for, but he could still be a lot of laughs. And he made Allan want to be a better man.

The best thing, though, had always been the three of them together. Whether they were making deliveries, running from some guards, fighting for their lives, or just having a laugh, they always felt like they were right where they belonged. It was crazy too. 'Cause Allan had never stayed in the same place with the same people that long before. It just wasn't his style. You get in, size everyone up, avoid their strengths, play on their weaknesses, grab whatever you can carry, and get the hell out. No looking back.

But somehow Allan had started to think that he might just have found a place to settle down. Not so much a place, as _people_ to settle down with. _Will and Djaq_. He had started to have the idea that, even after this whole thing with Robin and the gang was over and the king returned or whatever, there might still be something he could hold on to. And he wanted desperately to tell them that. To tell them even when he had started spying for Giz he had never really considered that he could lose them. And even after everything came out and he knew that it was over, he had still not been able to find the courage to just leave town like he knew he should. He just couldn't do it. He wanted...no he _needed_ to stick around and be close by. _Just in case. Just in case_ what? He didn't know. But just in case.

He wanted to tell them that he'd thought of them everyday he'd been at the castle. That he'd thought of a hundred different scenarios for winning back their trust. From cleaning out the Sheriff's strong room and presenting its contents to the gang, to flat out throwing himself on their mercy and offering to act as a double agent. But these confessions died on his tongue. 'Cause, well, he didn't do any of those things, did he? No. He'd kept right on betraying their trust until the very end.

But now there was more wrong between them than just his betrayal. Now something was missing. It just didn't feel the same. It was more than them being ticked off at him. And it was more than the two of them being a couple or whatever the hell they were now. Something deep down had changed and Allan didn't know what. He didn't think they did either. In fact, he could tell from the looks on their faces, when he'd worked up the courage to take a peek, that they wanted it back almost as much as he did.

But it was gone. It was like some part of them had died and they would probably never get it back. So they stood there like idiots. None of them quite ready to give up on what they'd had. Each of them willing the silence to fill the void and drag their relationship out just that much longer. But, at the same time, knowing that, at any moment, somebody would speak and the spell would be broken for good.


	4. Chapter 3Djaq

_Djaq_

She stood there deliberately not meeting their eyes. She knew that she should be the one to speak and she knew just what needed to be said, but she was simply not ready to give either shape or voice to what was flashing through her mind.

Djaq was not an emotional woman. She had never been. That did not mean, however, that she did not have feelings. Quite the contrary. She felt things very deeply. Too deeply sometimes. That had been the main reason that she had always made a concentrated effort to absorb her feelings back into herself before they had a chance to bleed into other parts of her consciousness. Before they could get in the way. She was good at that. A quick squeezing of the eyelids or a sharp swift intake of breath were usually all it took and they were gone.

She felt no great need to deal with what she felt the way that other women, and even some men, seemed to. She did not express her feelings. She did not analyze them. It was not necessary. She did not feel that she had to give them names and put them in some semblance of order. Frankly, she rarely even registered their existence.

She ignored her feelings the same way one would ignore any other inescapable nuisance. Like cold, hunger, or stupidity. You try to avoid them, but when you cannot, you simply work around them. Like insects in the forest. They're there and everyone knows it. But you casually brush them away or crunch them under your feet. You do not make friends with them.

This had been the way in which she had chosen to live her life and it had always served her well. Too well. She had become so skilled at swiftly shoving her emotions out of her way, that she failed to notice even the dangerous kind. Therefore she was not prepared for the kind of chaos that two men like Allan and Will could bring to her life.

She had thought herself well equipped to deal with the Englishmen she had allied herself with. After all, they were not terribly complex creatures. But they were decent and honorable and they took her at face value. That was all she could reasonably ask for. That was all she really wanted. A place where she could be herself and do the things that were important to her. What more was there? She had been astute enough to realize, right from the beginning, that she would be a fool to leave.

There were few places in this world that would welcome a woman who had no intention of behaving as women were expected to. A woman who had something to offer the world that did not include husbands, embroidery, or children. A woman who demanded to be treated as an equal. Who wanted only to be valued for her contributions. Who could, and would insist upon, standing up for herself and pulling her own weight.

But somehow, miraculously, it seemed she had stumbled upon just such a place. Who would have imagined that after all she had survived, she would end up in their forest? It was not the life she had planned for herself, but it had rapidly proved better than anything she would have thought possible.

There she found a place and a people who needed her skills. Not only her skills as a physician, but also as a soldier. Two things that were off limits to women at home. Not that they were any more available to women in England. But she did not live in _England_. She lived in Sherwood Forest with a bunch of scruffy outlaws. A competent healer was something they had been in desperate need of. They, for her, ended up being just what the physician prescribed. And just like that, she had found her niche.

She had been relieved to discover that they were tolerable men. But she had never expected to actually like them. And she had never even considered that two of them could come to mean more to her than any two people ever could. It just made no sense. It was not rational. And it ended up hitting her out of nowhere. She had assumed that she had prepared herself for every eventuality. But true friendship and, what was far more shocking, _love_? In _England_, of all places? Try as she might, she still had no idea how she could have reasonably been expected to guard herself from those very _unexpected_ occurrences.

It caught her completely unaware while she had been occupied guarding herself against the world. How was that for irony? But by the time she had stopped and actually noticed that there was something there, it meant too much to her for her to try to find a way out of it. She quickly came to depend on them more than she'd allowed herself to depend on anyone since she'd lost her brother. She counted on them in battle, just as she knew they counted on her. She looked to them often when she found herself in need of some skill that one or the other possessed. But more than anything, she relied on them _being_ there. By her side.

Their presence was a comfort that she would not even allow herself to acknowledge. She did not label what they shared together. It was not necessary to do so. It was real and it was special. It did not need a name. They each brought out the best in each other. They made her laugh all of the time. Especially Allan. He kept both her and Will rolling in laughter. Sometimes they were not even sure why. Some of what he said was not even that funny in retrospect. But their hearts were light and they were open to happiness. _She_ was open to happiness. That was something else that she had never anticipated feeling again.

If she had been the type of woman to indulge in fantastic notions, she might have wondered whether her dear brother had had some hand in guiding her to these two crazy Englishmen. Because, in so many ways, finding them was almost like finding her brother again. Almost. Allan's silliness and Will's steadfastness. The way they had of making her feel that they belonged together and that nothing could ever separate them. The joy that they brought back to her life. It was all almost too much to believe. But it was true.

It was real. And she'd felt more alive than she ever had. And she'd finally given herself over to it without question. It just felt so right. They completed one another. They rounded each other out and made each other better. She did not ask herself what she felt or why. She never worried about where it could lead them. Where it could lead _her_. Why would she? The three of them balanced each other out and kept each other in check. What could possibly happen to tip the scales?

Well now she knew. And part of her was still so very angry at Allan. Even more than she could admit to herself. She had been perfectly ready to offer him forgiveness and understanding when he was selling their secrets. But she had felt a knife cut through her heart each time she had seen him out doing Gisborne's bidding. He could have tried to find a way back to them. To _her_. To her and Will. He _should_ have tried. He should have begged Robin for forgiveness. He should have tried to prove himself. _Something_.

But instead he had moved right on to the next best thing. He had switched sides way too easily. And he had broken her heart in the process. Not only her heart. He had broken everything that had developed between the three of them. Like the snapping of a bone. And it was not a clean break of the sort she could set and be relatively certain of a full recovery. It was a thousand tiny breaks made over the course of several months.

It was the initial distance that Allan's absence had forced between Will and herself. Because they were uncertain how to relate to one another without him around. He had _always_ been around. And also, because they both viewed his betrayal in such different lights, it became almost impossible for them to talk to each other without starting to blame the other. And so they had each pulled away from the only other person who could possibly understand the hurt they felt. Which only hurt more. They had finally found a way to try to work through it and get back a part, at least, of what they'd lost. But, of course, that meant learning to work through things without Allan. And that hurt too. And then there was the break caused by Marian joining them in the forest. Having her there changed the group's dynamic and also enabled them to more easily forget that one of their own was missing. And so many other little things. Day after day. Break after break.

And if Djaq were honest with herself, she resented the fact that Allan had actually returned right after she had closed one door and opened a new one. He just walked back into their lives at the precise moment that she had worked up the courage to make a go of it without him. True, she had not expected to live through the morning. So she had felt a lot safer in opening her heart to Will than she ever would have otherwise. And it was also true that Allan could have had no way of knowing what she was feeling or what she would say. But once the confessions were made, they could not be recalled. They were out there. Not just the words, but the feelings behind them. She had analyzed what she had been keeping inside and given it a name. Then she had released it into the air between them. It had taken flight and now had a life of its own. There was no way of putting it back in its cage.

And she was not certain that she wanted to. She _did_ love Will. She did. But right now, standing so close to the two of them, she could tell that even Will would have been happy just to have back what the three of them had shared. Maybe not at the cost of what they had discovered with _each other_, but they would never have explored that if Allan had not left them. Or if he would have returned to them sooner.

She was also very angry at _herself_ for not holding out. For thinking that if they were going to die then Will had every right to know how much she loved him. She should have kept it about the three of them. She should never have opened the door to something that could only involve her and Will. She should have been willing to carry what what she had shared with both of them to her grave with her. That would have been the fair thing. She owed Allan that. They both did. But especially her. Because she had told him that she believed in him...in his goodness. _Hadn't_ she? And she had meant it. And she had never given up on him. She had never even considered the possibility that they would not all be reunited at some point. Not until that moment in the stupid barn.

And now she couldn't help but feel that she and Will had been caught doing something very wrong. That _they_ were the ones who were disloyal. That they had let Allan down somehow. It was maddening. All she wanted was what they had once shared. Did being with Will have to make that impossible? Because she couldn't give him up now. She knew she couldn't. She had unlocked something deep within herself where he was concerned and there was nowhere for them to go but forward.

But did that have to exclude Allan? Wasn't there some way in which they could all be happy together? They needed him and now he was back. Shouldn't that be enough to start the healing process? But the physician in her knew that there were some wounds that you could not repair. No matter how much you wanted to or how hard you tried. And she instantly recognized this as one of those wounds. She had known it the moment they had all come together on deck.

It was over. And she knew that she would have to be the one to say so. Neither of them ever would. She had been taught to never lie to a dying or wounded man. A quick truth was always far less painful than a slow lie. Even a lie that they all desperately wanted to hear...and even more desperately needed to believe. So she looked up at them for the first time since they'd been standing there. And she steeled herself for what she knew would be one of the hardest conversations she would ever have.

"_There_ you are. Robin wants everyone below deck so that we can strategize in private. What are you all doing? You look like somebody just died. What's going on up here?"

"Nothing, Much. We are right behind you. Lead the way." And with those words, she swallowed down the ones she had been seconds away from uttering. Maybe they could remain unsaid. They all knew. Perhaps there was no real need to speak the words. She knew that this would not change things between them. It was far too late for that now. One might even say that a spell had been broken...if one was the type of woman who believed in such things.

_Well, there you have it. No neat and tidy resolution. I just hated the way that the three of them had no interaction in the finale. So I couldn't quite bring myself to write something in which they worked everything out. Because, of course, if they had, we would have seen some spark of recognition pass between them on the show, and Will and Djaq would not have stayed in the Holy Land. So please forgive the terrible ending, but it's the only ending that the characters would allow me to write. Blame them. _


End file.
